Entry № 38 · Plate xxxviii
On HonestyBeing honest with yourself is the only way to ensure your feet are actually on the ground.
The hardest door to unlock is the one you pretend isn't there.
The explanation
We all have 'shadow folders'—parts of our lives or character we refuse to look at. Honesty is the process of opening those folders. It isn't just about not lying to others; it's about the more difficult task of not lying to ourselves about our motivations, our fears, and our failures. This internal rigorousness is what keeps a soul flexible. When we admit our small envies or our minor hypocrisies, they lose their power over us. The truth doesn't just set you free; it simplifies your life significantly. You no longer have to remember which version of yourself you're supposed to be.
The story
There was a friend, Sara, whom I had known since college. Over about a year I had, without quite noticing, become impossible to schedule with her. Every one of her invitations found me legitimately, provably busy. Deadlines. Family stuff. A weekend I had to catch up on sleep. Each excuse was, in isolation, true. Somewhere in the twelfth or thirteenth cancellation, though, a small voice at the back of my head asked a question I did not want to hear: were you this busy last month for Ben?
No. For Priya? No. I sat with it for a full day. I did not like where the honesty led. The truth, once I let myself look at it, was ugly and simple: Sara had, in that same year, quietly become extremely successful — a promotion, a book deal, features in places I dreamed of being featured. Every time I saw her I came home feeling small. Rather than face that feeling, I had simply arranged my life to not see her.
The 'busyness' had been a disguise for envy. Admitting it to myself was one of the more humiliating hours of my adult life. It also broke the spell. I called her that night. We met for dinner the following week. The envy didn't fully leave; it just stopped running the show. The lie had cost more than the truth ever did.
